


Breathing in the Silence

by melonbutterfly



Series: Stranger Things Have Happened [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Kidnapping, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-10
Updated: 2013-01-10
Packaged: 2017-11-25 00:57:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/633399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melonbutterfly/pseuds/melonbutterfly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki finds out from the afternoon news.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breathing in the Silence

**Author's Note:**

> This is a prequel to Welcome Home; you don't need to have read that before reading this (this being a prequel and all) but you need to know that Loki is just a normal human in this, and Tony's ex-boyfriend.
> 
> This story is set during the time Tony was in Afghanistan.

He finds out from the afternoon news. As the newscaster speaks those detached, factual words – "Tony Stark, son of the late, famous inventor Howard Stark and CEO of Stark Industries, went missing in Afghanistan during a top secret demonstration of his newest invention. Authorities decline to comment but there is information that his convoy has been attacked-" Loki feels like his heart drops straight out of his chest. The spoon he's been holding clatters noisily to the floor as he takes two steps towards the TV, staring wide-eyed at the newscaster. She says things like "no survivors" and "at this point it's only possible to speculate, but it stands to reason that this is the act of terrorists" and then she starts talking about some storm that did some damage somewhere, as if she's said all there is to say on the matter.

Suddenly there isn't enough air in his lungs; Loki breathes and breathes but the world only starts to whirl around him, making him even more dizzy. He drops to his hands and knees and lets his head hang down, tries to calm down; he knows he's hyperventilating but he can't seem to stop. The dizziness morphs into nausea as all sorts of pictures start to shoot through his head, from movies and news, one more graphic than the other until he can't deal with it anymore; he throws up all over the floor.

The sour taste in his mouth and the smell absurdly calm him down a little until he at least can breathe normally again, but the nausea doesn't stop. He coughs, throat raw from the acid, and spits.

The TV is blaring with ads, loud music and hyper, loud people praising some sort of product that is supposed to solve all your problems. At the absurdity a laugh bubbles from Loki's throat and the next moment he's crying, deep, body-wracking sobs that take his breath away.

Wiping his mouth with his sleeve Loki pushes himself away from the mess on the floor but his limbs only carry him for a short moment before they give out under him. He collapses, wrapping his arms around his middle as he curls up, shaking with sobs.

Some indefinite time later Loki calms down a little, though it's mostly exhaustion. He's not on his best anyway, just came home from a week-long, hard photo shooting that allowed him little time to rest. On top of that are the rumors about Tony and some reporter he's supposedly having an affair with, a pretty, blonde woman that is everything Loki isn't, and this shouldn't bother Loki so much anymore but it still does.

It all pales in the face of the news he has just received. Loki lies on the ground, knees pulled up and arms wrapped around himself in an attempt to still his shaking. Suffice to say, it doesn't work.

Later he won't be able to tell what thoughts were going through his head as he lay there; he just remembers an all-consuming feeling of fear, dread and guilt. He keeps thinking about Tony and the things they might be doing to him – he keeps thinking about Tony being gone forever. It's not even important whether Tony will be with him or not, Loki just wants him to be home safe and sound. He needs Tony to be _okay_.

Some indefinite time later Loki finally succeeds in telling himself to get a grip and manages to get up. He stumbles a little on his way into the kitchen, gathers a roll of kitchen towels and some cleaning spray and starts to clean up the mess he made on the floor. By this point it's dark outside, but his apartment is equipped with smart lighting and the lights have turned on automatically. It's a step down from JARVIS, who by this point would long since have asked Loki whether he's alright and tried to reassure him, but Loki's been living without JARVIS for two years now so the silence doesn't bother him anymore. Or at least that's what he tells himself.

Once the floor is clean Loki takes the cup of tea he made, long since gone cold, and pours it down the sink. He puts the dirty mug on the kitchen counter, goes to collect the spoon he dropped and promptly feels ridiculous; here he is, taking care of the housework like there is nothing more important in the world when Tony is-

It's less unexpected when he starts crying again, and at least it doesn't take control of his body like last time. He wraps his arms around his belly again and holds himself tightly. It's all he can do not to start hyperventilating again.

One thing is clear, he can't stay here. His apartment is clean, almost sterile, more a work of art than a place someone lives. He'd bought it from some designer shortly after he'd broken up with Tony because some interviewer had wanted to take pictures of him at home (nobody had said it, but it had been a "life after Tony" sort of thing), and at the time it had been Loki's sole purpose in life to prove that he was doing just fine without Tony. If he's honest with himself, it still is.

He can't stay here, not now. But where should he go? He can't go far, all eyes will be on him even more now if he's seen in public and he doesn't have anybody here. Maybe if he owned a private jet, but he'd never seen the point – Tony had more than one, and after… some things they previously shared he'd been very quick to replace, but others just not. Flying had always been one of the things Tony loved to do. _Loves_. Loves to do. Loki absolutely refuses to believe that Tony is dead, he just can't. The mere thought is almost crippling; what would he do without Tony? What would he _be_ without Tony?

Loki just can't imagine it, but the thought, once it's taken hold of him, just won't leave, and so he does something he hasn't done since they broke up: call Tony's house. Literally call Tony's house, and he fiercely hopes that Tony didn't tell JARVIS to refuse any attempts by Loki to get into contact.

It appears he hasn't, because JARVIS picks up after only one ring. "Mr. Laufeyson."

"JARVIS," Loki breathes, having to close his eyes at the onslaught of emotion just hearing JARVIS' voice causes in him. It takes him a long time to regain enough of his composure to speak, also because of what he's going to ask. "What can you tell me about Tony?"

"His convoy was ambushed," JARVIS immediately replies. "I lost contact with Mr. Stark when his mobile phone was destroyed. This happened eleven hours and thirty-two minutes ago."

Breathe calmly, Loki reminds himself. Hyperventilating doesn't help anyone and it only results in an awful headache. "How close are they to finding him?"

There is a small pause. "It is impossible to tell."

Meaning, not at all. While Loki takes a slow, controlled breath JARVIS asks, "Would you like for me to contact Mr. Stane or Ms. Potts for you?"

A choked laugh bursts out of him. "No, thank you." He can't stand either of them. Potts always had something of a personal vendetta against him – according to her, he's a bad influence on Tony – and Stane hasn't been much better, but in the other direction. The guy is slickly nice in a way that creeps Loki out, and he'd always encouraged Loki and Tony in a fatherly way. Which sounds nice, ostensibly, but not in light of the fact that he never discouraged them, not even once. And considering some of the things Tony and Loki did, he really should have. Potts, at least, had.

"Is there anything else I can do for you, Mr. Laufeyson?" JARVIS asks, and it occurs to Loki that he must be worried as well. Potts and Stane might interact with him, but they've never considered him an actual individual.

"I can't think of anything. Is everything alright with you, JARVIS?"

"Yes," JARVIs says after a brief pause.

"Okay." Loki runs a shaky hand through his hair and closes his eyes. "Okay." He doesn't want to ask, he doesn't want to, but he can't seem to stop himself, he needs to know as much as possible. "How likely do you think it is that he's… alive?"

"If the kidnappers recognize him, very much so, Colonel Rhodes believes."

Well, that's at least something. "How likely is that?"

"It is impossible to tell, sir."

Loki lets out a breath. "What if they don't?"

JARVIS hesitates for a moment. "Mr. Laufeyson," he says then. "It is most likely that they, if Mr. Stark did not die in the ambush – and if he did, they would not have taken his body – intend to demand ransom for his safe return. Whether they recognize him or not. It is near impossible that they missed that Mr. Stark is a person of import, not considering his military escort or his expensive clothes. Ransoming Americans is a regular source of income for a number of professional kidnappers in the area, they will be experienced in recognizing Mr. Stark's status, if they do not recognize him directly."

"So you're saying, it's unlikely they'll kill him and that it's unlikely he died in the ambush," Loki concludes.

"Yes," JARVIS confirms after another moment of hesitation.

Loki can't tell whether he's omitting anything but he doesn't care, clings to what JARVIS has just said. "When- statistically, when will they contact us about the money?"

"Within the next two weeks," JARVIS replies. "Twelve days, approximately."

"Okay." Closing his eyes once more, Loki just breathes for a couple of minutes. He doesn't know what else to ask, but he doesn't want to hang up – JARVIS is his only connection to Tony right now, he just… can't.

He doesn't realize he's said that out loud until JARVIS says hesitantly, "I am reasonably certain that Mr. Stark will be alright."

The urge to ask how Tony's been doing before now grows almost overwhelmingly strong at that. It's why Loki has never called JARVIS before, despite the fact that he missed him almost as much as Tony. JARVIS is intricately connected to Tony in his mind, and he hadn't known he'd be able to resist asking him about Tony if he contacted him. Not to mention that JARVIS would most likely have told Tony about Loki's attempt to get in contact. Besides, asking would always have been an exercise in masochism. It would be even more so now.

Squeezing his eyes shut, Loki croaks, "That's… that's good to know." In an attempt to repress the tears trying to well up in his throat once more, he holds his breath for a moment and tries to calm down. Unsurprisingly, it's a futile effort.

"Sir," JARVIS says helplessly; he hates when there is nothing he can do. It's one of the things Loki regrets most about his and Tony's using; that some of JARVIS' earliest memories are of them getting high with him unable to stop them. And JARVIS had tried. Not forcefully, his programming doesn't allow that, but he'd advised them against it every time, stating statistics and offering to anonymously call drug-counseling centers for them. Logically Loki knows that it makes no difference how soon after his creation a memory was created in JARVIS' data banks, but he can't help but feel guilty.

"I don't know if I can do this without Tony," Loki manages to choke out.

Anybody who claims that JARVIS is just a cold, calculating computer program has never actually properly interacted with him. If that were all he were he would now point out that Loki hasn't had Tony in almost two years; concretely, he's been living without Tony for twenty-two months, three weeks and two days. Logically, he should be perfectly capable of continuing to do so.

But JARVIS doesn't point any of this out. Instead he says, "They are doing everything they can to locate Mr. Stark. The military is heavily patrolling the area. It is highly probable that Mr. Stark will be returned to us presently."

Loki nods despite the fact that JARVIS won't be able to tell. One hand balled into a fist, he stares at the floor with unseeing eyes. "I just…" but he can't say it. All he can do is take heaving breaths and try to keep it together.

"Maybe you should try to take a nap," JARVIS suggests hesitantly. He probably knows how pointless the suggestion is.

"Right," Loki says shakily; he can't even sarcasm properly right now.

"Would you like for me to call someone for you?"

"No." Rubbing his hand over his face, Loki thinks about it. There isn't anyone, or at least not anybody he would want to see him like this. One of his and Tony's greatest fault has always been that they focused on each other too much. He's doing better now than he was a couple of years ago, he has other friends, but maybe the surprising thing isn't that he and Tony were satisfied with just each other, maybe it is that they could bear to be in each other's company so much. Because Loki is a loner, he enjoys solitude, actually tends to prefer it. Tony is the same, despite all evidence to the contrary.

"Could you… perhaps come check on the house?" JARVIS tries.

"What?" Loki blinks and wipes at his eyes. "Why?"

"Mr. Stark has cleaners come in regularly, but he always puts everything private away before they come. He cannot do that now, and the cleaners are scheduled to return in two days."

That… is actually a pretty good excuse; Loki knows about that habit of Tony's – maybe it's actually Loki's, they have been together for so long and have done so many things together for so long that he can'ttell sometimes which issue is his and which is Tony's. It's clear JARVIS is only trying to distract him, though what he intends by inviting Loki over, Loki has no idea. But there is a fault in JARVIS' line of thought. "Tony wouldn't want me there to see his private stuff, JARVIS. I think he'd rather the cleaners see it than I."

"I am reasonably certain that is not true," JARVIS disagrees.

Loki shakes his head. "I don't believe that. Are you even allowed to let me in?"

"The status of your security clearance has not changed," JARVIS informs him.

Loki shouldn't be surprised at how much that hurts. He had thought that Tony would cut him out of his life as thoroughly as he'd cut out anything else that hurt him; with ruthless efficiency and a fair amount of denial. And now JARVIS tells him that he didn't even change Loki's security clearance.

Knowing that, there is no way he can stay away a moment longer. It's probably unwise to drive in his frame of mind, but there is no way he will call a taxi; no matter how much he paid the driver to keep his mouth shut, he'd probably contact his gossip website of choice the moment Loki left his car. He'd probably even manage to snap a picture of Loki and that's about the last thing he needs right now. As it is, he'll be pestered by the press even more than usual.

He drives carefully, keeping the connection to JARVIS upright the whole time despite the fact that neither of them says a word. The gate to the property opens automatically for him, and Loki parks his car in his usual spot – on the right side to the entrance door, next to the entry to the underground carpark. It always drove Tony nuts, that Loki wouldn't drive those additional few meters to park inside to protect his car from the weather. Loki only did it when he borrowed a car from Tony, as a concession to Tony's OCD tendencies where his vehicles are concerned. When he didn't, Tony knew he'd fucked up somehow.

The house still looks exactly the same as it had when Loki had last left it, which isn't all that strange, really. Tony has never been overly interested in interior design; he would accompany Loki on excursions to buy something if Loki asked really nicely and he would buy stuff on his own, but more because he's an impulsive buyer with the tendency to throw his money around than any real interest. So it's no surprise that he hasn't done anything inside; everything is still pretty much how Loki left it.

It really shouldn't hurt as much as it does.

When Loki left, he never expected to be fine with it one day; he and Tony were together for far too long for that, went through far too much together. Tony had been his reason for thirteen years, you don't move on easily from something like that, and Loki has never been one who moves on easily in general. But despite knowing all this, Loki wouldn't have expected for it to hurt this much so many months after their last and final break-up. He would still do it all over again if he were in the same situation again because as much as that, too, hurts, being separated from Tony has helped him get better in a way being with him hadn't truly. But on his worse days Loki thinks he just should have followed their old pattern of dealing Tony the same hurt Tony had dealt him. If he had, they'd probably still be together. Dysfunctional and hurting each other as much as they were making each other better, but when he's down Loki thinks that's preferable to being so miserable without Tony.

"Was he happy?"

Loki doesn't know he's going to ask until the question leaves his mouth and he almost wants to take it back once it does, but he can't, not now that it's out.

JARVIS takes a moment replying. When he does, he's hesitant. "It is difficult to say, sir."

It's not an answer but still, Loki nods. Slowly, he starts walking, from the small hallway past that stupid pretty waterwall Tony had insisted on into the wide, open living room with its panorama window. Silvery moonlights floods the room and there are memories everywhere; Loki had always loved the view and one of his favorite things to do had been having sex in line of sight of the windows. The stairs leading up to the concert grand had been one of their favorite spots. In terms of view, the sofa had been ideal but Tony loved doing it on the floor and the stairs offered the best of both.

Taking a deep, shaky breath, Loki curls his fingers around his keys until the metal digs painfully into the skin of his palm. When he realizes what he's doing he drops them abruptly. On wobbly legs he walks over to the sofa, sinks down on it and wraps his arms around one of the pillows. He buries his face in it, smells detergent and not a hint of Tony, and allows himself to cry himself to sleep.

He doesn't manage more than a few hours of restless dozing. As sunlight starts to fill the room he starts to wake up as well, but it's JARVIS who wakes him up fully.

"Mr. Laufeyson," he says, voice slightly urgent, "Mr. Stane is coming. Unless you want to meet with him, I suggest you… hide. Also, on behalf of Mr. Stark I would like to request that you take the photos from his bedroom and hide those as well. Mr. Stark would not want Mr. Stane to see them."

A bit stiff, Loki rolls off the sofa and stumbles into the bedroom. It's messy, clothes (only Tony's, Loki takes the time to notice) scattered wildly everywhere and bed far from made, but Loki immediately spots the photos JARVIS referred to. They're on the nightstand, and even from afar Loki can recognize his face. He doesn't even know what he feels as he steps up to the nightstand, picks the photos up and starts looking through them. They're not even of his most recent photo shoot or of only one shooting; they're a mix of shootings and even public appearances, clearly a cherry-picking.

"Mr. Laufeyson," JARVIS urges, jolting Loki out of his thoughts.

He frowns, for the first time realizing that JARVIS assumes that Stane will go into Tony's bedroom. His _bedroom_. Something is very iffy about that, but he doesn't have the time to ask about it now. "Does Tony use the office?"

"No, sir."

So Loki strides over into the office, a room he himself had used far more than Tony. It looks as naked and bare as the day Loki had taken his things from it and left; he's starting to detect a theme here.

He sits down in the office chair and looks down at the photos in his hand, but he just can't think about that right now. So he puts them in one of the empty drawers and asks about Stane instead. "What does he want?"

"Access to Mr. Stark's lab," JARVIS replies promptly.

Frowning, Loki sits up straight. "He's not getting it, is he?"

"Most certainly not," JARVIS says. "Mr. Stark's instructions are very clear."

Loki is sure of that. No matter what, Tony has always protected his lab most diligently. Not even Loki, who has- _had_ full access to all other areas of Tony's life, was allowed in there anytime. Personally, Loki thinks that Tony early on had some experience with his ideas being stolen, but Tony is very touchy on the subject. Now, with Tony not even having been missing a full day and Stane already here trying to get access to his lab, Loki is very glad that Tony has always been so diligent.

He sits back in the chair and wonders what the hell he's even doing here. This is Tony's home. "I shouldn't be here either."

"Why do you think so, sir?" JARVIS asks.

"Tony wouldn't want me to be here. This is his house. Just because he didn't explicitly forbid me from entering doesn't mean I'm welcome." Fiddling with the hem of his shirt, Loki tries not to imagine what Tony would say if he knew that he's here. 

"It is also your house, Mr. Laufeyson," JARVIS points out truthfully. "Mr. Stark never bought you out and you never suggested he do so."

No, he hadn't. He can't say he'd never thought about it, but the mere thought had made him sick. This house… it's as good as their child. They picked the location together, designed the house, were there for every step of the building process and then furnished it together. From the view over the water wall to JARVIS being in control of everything, it all is a combination of Tony and Loki's wants and needs. This house is their home – nest, they'd sometimes called it jokingly. Loki hadn't been ready to give it up, not this, and it seems Tony hadn't been ready to take it from him. It might not be much in the end, but it's enough to make Loki feel less like an intruder on the same level as Stane.

"Is he still there?"

"Mr. Stane is currently in the process of leaving," JARVIS informs him. There's nothing in his tone of voice to suggest such a conclusion, but his choice of words is especially formal, giving Loki some idea of what might have transpired between the two.

"He was rude to you, wasn't he?"

"Some might say that it is only possible to be rude to something that is not alive," JARVIS says stiffly.

It's as much of a confirmation as Loki needs. "Don't be stupid, JARVIS. He always either ignores you or is a rude, dismissive dick to you and it's not okay. You might not be alive by the traditional definition of the word, but you're a person, not a thing."

"Thank you," JARVIS says after a moment. "Most people would not agree with that, but I… appreciate the sentiment."

Loki nods slowly. "I'm… sorry we didn't have contact for so long, JARVIS. I missed you." It's easier to say than he would have thought, but talking to JARVIS has always been easier.

JARVIS is silent for a moment before he says stiffly, "Your presence has been lacking."

That makes Loki smile; JARVIS is as bad with emotion as Loki and Tony are. As he leans back in his chair, Loki's gaze falls on the drawer he put the photos in. For a long moment he hesitates, but the urge is too strong to resist and he takes the stack out again. When he took them earlier he just flicked through them briefly to confirm his suspicion; now he takes his time.

They're not what Loki would have picked or even ones he might have thought Tony would pick; they're not of him looking his best nor does he look particularly seductive. Actually, they're mostly of moments in between, when Loki had broken character a little, had laughed or smiled or raised an eyebrow at someone off-camera. In short, they're of _Loki_ , not of whatever version of himself as a brand he's representing for the respective photo shoot. Tony had unerringly found those pictures, and that when most if not all of them hadn't even been publicly available.

"He wouldn't want me to see this, would he?" Loki whispers. He doesn't even know what to think; tears are welling up again and he feels the beginnings of a headache creeping in at his temples. After all the crying he's probably thoroughly dehydrated.

"I honestly cannot tell," JARVIS replies.

Drawing a slow, deep breath, Loki puts the photos back into the drawer and then goes to the kitchen to drink some water. Again he wonders what he's doing here. The same time yesterday he would have been sure that Tony would not want him here, but now he just doesn't know what to think anymore. "I don't suppose there's been any word from Tony?"

"No. I will alert you the moment there are any news," JARVIS promises.

"Okay. Thanks." Loki closes his eyes. "Then I suppose all we can do is wait, right?"

"It seems like it."

That's what Loki thought. He just hopes Tony will be safely returned to them soon.


End file.
